Remember in geometry when you had to do a proof?
 
There were certain facts you were “given” at the start. e.g. Given that side A is larger than side B...prove such and such.
 
The “given” was never in dispute.
 
I am stating the following as a given for couples;
 
What one person needs is good for the other person.
 
If this given is not present in a relationship, it is flawed. Probably fatally flawed.
 
The task is to determine how this applies to the relationship you are examining.
 
First one must differentiate between want and need.
 
It is critical.
 
If in fact the dispute is based on a want (as opposed to a need) the person balking may be doing so to help their partner learn the difference.
 
The subject being debated may not be the point.
 
It does however force a discussion that may be needed.
 
Bickering is not wasted time.
 
It is the beginning of a longer discussion.
 
The problem is not that you are fighting; it is that you stop fighting too soon.
 
That is wearing.
 
Fighting and getting nowhere.
 
What made you stop talking? The subject? The fear? The hopelessness it triggers?
 
Keep going.
 
By definition it will lead somewhere you need to go.
 
Agony is no reason to stop.
 
You can count on it being productive.
 
It is frightening because it is leading somewhere.
 
But...

The resistance to talking must be respected as well.
 
It might be ordinary, run-of-the-mill I’ll start my diet on Monday type of resistance, or it may be that one person is not ready.
 
These concepts are not the same.
 
The discussion may have to wait until the participants are ready. That could be in ten minutes, or two hours, or two days.
  
The person yelling that they are not ready may in fact know that their partner is not ready and is balking to protect, not themselves, but their partners.
 
People are often unaware that this is the dynamic. The one seemingly holding things up is in fact acting as protector. Playing a role of which they are not conscious, to their seeming detriment.
 
It is a truly loving act.
 
Rarely though does this truth come to the surface.
 
The process is so hard, sometimes hurtful.
 
The couple stops talking.
 
Maybe they make up.
 
Maybe though, they stopped too soon.